As the hours turn into days, then weeks and months, the inexpalainable suffocation of loosing Aidan builds untill there's no other option left for me then to scream. I scream so loud and so long I wonder if the neighbors will worry. Luckily, my pillow muffles the noise. Miss Teagan keeps on napping and the world keeps on turning, all while the uncontrollable downward spiral into the numb, surreal, suffocating confinement of a loss only a mother can know takes hold and drags me under.
Most days you put one foot in front of the other. You go through the motions of the life your supposed to live. You find little moments of stolen memories that bring a smile to your face and beg your attention, and it's those moments that make you remember why your still here. These memories, these pictures of time remind us of all the reasons we are so fortunate our loved ones graced us with their presence, if even for a short time.
Our Aidan was an amazing ball of energy and light. The most magical soul who drew people to him like a polar force. I'll never forget the day he sat down next to a complete stranger at the grocery store. The man was older and less then fashionably current. I tried to nudge Aidan on to keep shopping. Instead Aidan, then 2-ish said, "Hi, my name is Aidan, this is my mom, I have a dog named Seven and my dad's at work." The man looked at me and I him astounded. In the mere seconds it took Aid to see the depth of this person, his need for compassion and kindness, it may take another person a lifetime.
After talking to the man for less then 5 minutes, we found out his daughter had recently passed away. He hadn't left his house since her funeral and had gone without his needed medications. Aidan gave him a chance for conversation he wouldn't have otherwise had. What Aidan gave to me opened my eyes and heart to compassion that knows no limit.
Tonight, while scrunched into Miss Teagans princess tent, Teagan, myself and Seven...the 45lb-ish wiley dog with a deadly tail, Teagan was on repeat mode saying, "Sevie's good puppers momma". To which my reply was "yes Hun, she is good!" I asked T if she loved Seven as I have numerous times, this time her answer surprised me. Teagan said, "Mom, Sevie's good puppers, brothers puppers. I love brother and brother loves Sevie." Not sure what to say I asked Teagan if she loved brother, she took about a minute to think, looked me in the eye and said "yes, I love brother".
I'm reminded of her love for Aidan daily as she finds new ways to prove to me he's close to her and teaching her the good and bad life has to offer. Over Easter we went to visit Aidan. Teagan knew we were "at brothers". She went right to his headstone, promptly bent down to his picture and gave Aidan a kiss. She said "Hi brother! Love you"! She then went about arranging the endless supply of pinwheels surrounding Aidan's grave to her liking.
I suppose the endless battle against drownding in grief may one day subside. The fear that Tegan will never know what an amazing person her brother is subsides when I realize he's there with her every step of the way. The loss this world faces at the passing of my best friend is insurmountable. I try every day to teach Teagan how wonderful she is and how much she has to teach others. The only thing is, she already has the best teacher out there...we just can't see him like she does.
