It's been a few days since my last post. The day after I wrote the last post, I was so angry I could have boiled water on my head! My blood pressure has become an issue running way to high. As a proactive measure I am attempting to ramp up my exercise. I have been walking in preparation for running which will eventually lead to a half marathon this fall.
During one of these said walks with Ryan and Teagan, we talked about how angry I feel and how much I know deep down to my soul the medical staff in Chicago overlooked, under cared, and plain flat out dropped any sort of proverbial ball. We were assured time and again of all the planning put into Aidan's plan of care. I know I have relived every second of every day while we were in the hospital in Chicago. I can't count how many times Ryan and myself were blown off by the medical staff. I can't count how many times I questioned the reasoning behind the care Aidan received. Damn the hindsight. All 20/20 does for me is make me angry and sad. I want premonition instead!
Something happened to me during the conversation we had that night. It was so beautiful and spring like outside. Watching Teagan in the stroller reminded me so much of Aidan and how he LOVED to go on walks. Aid loved outside period, but he loved being with Ryan, Seven, and me while we all enjoyed the warmth of the sun and each other. All the anger I had seemed to slip as I said for the millionth time how I wish I wouldn't have let them ignore us. It all hit home to me, no matter how much I stew, no matter how horrible I feel, or how hard I wish that any little thing would have changed the outcome, I can never have my little man back in my arms. On some level I suppose acceptance.
I truly feel with every ounce of breath I can muster, Aidan's outcome would be different had his medical treatment been what it was promised to be. Now as I look back and start to become angry, all I feel is sadness. Not only the sadness and loss for our family, but for every other child and their family who may endure our same fate. I know that no matter how much anger or rage may live inside me it can not change our situation or anyone elses for that matter. All I can do is hope and pray to make it a little less for another family. If nothing else can come from our loss, I want and need to make sure the same mistakes are not repeated. If through our story I can reach out to someone and give them the strength to ask for a different nurse, a second opinion, or stand their ground just a little longer, then I will feel just a little better.
I know in my own career this experience has driven home the fact that you should treat every person you care for as though they are your family member. That has always been my feeling. To watch as not just one nurse or doctor, time and again ignored us only solidifies this more.
I still get so angry I shake when I think of all the times we begged for help. I guess the hindsight in this situation only allows me to do the best I can, try to grow even the slightest. I try so hard to use all the anger I feel to drive me in a positive direction. A long walk, trying to be more patient with Teagan as she demands my attention for the 20th time, or to simply remember the happy times and be thankful for what we do have. It is NEVER going to be easy for me, but the challenge this presents for me is truly the highest mountain I will ever climb.
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