Lost for words

Tonight I sit here not sure what to write. I am overwhelmed with so many different emotions all jumbled into a huge ball of sludge. My days are so hopelessly quiet (yes there is still a quiet level of beautiful chaos with miss Teag). My nights are so long and uncomfortable with too much bed space. If you know of our sleeping arrangements a.k.a. Ryan and myself on the outer 2 inches of a king size bed while Seven steals the covers and the middle of the bed, you would laugh out loud! Throw Aid in for good measure and there was around 3/4 inch left!
I miss Aidan sneaking downstairs to snuggle with Teag and I in the weeee hours of the morning. I miss Aidan telling me he "didn't want to smell my stinky breath" ( upon daddy's coaching) and then getting mad at me for not snuggling him close enough at bed time. I am so empty inside without my best friend and partner in crime.
I am so absolutely blessed to have Teagan to keep me on my toes. I watch her pick up new skills daily and I am reminded of those special moments I was able to share with her brother.
Teag knows exactly who her brother is. She can pick him out in any picture and always gives him a big kiss. My heart aches that she will never get to race cars down the hallway with Aid, track down the "bad guys" out front, or most importantly use the stool to snag some candy or cupcakes off the counter while mom's downstairs. Although I'm pretty sure she will figure out the last one in no time.
Watching all of our little ones grow up way to fast only reminds me how short time is. It was just yesterday I took Aidan to the Zoo for the first time. His favorite animal was the Giraffes. We went inside to get a closer look and I will never forget Aidan's face when the Giraffe bent down and let Aidan pet his nose and then licked Aidan's hand! Aid was hooked after that. Every trip to the Zoo thereafter included a visit with his "buddy" the Giraffe who had given him a big slobbery kiss. Aidan's second favorite at the Zoo was the train. His eyes would light up as soon as he hear the whistle sound which was followed with "Mom lets go ride the train!" 
This past Friday Teagan was able to make her first "official" trip to the Zoo. I say first because this is the first time she really "saw" the animals. I watched as she was amazed by all of the animals just as her brother was. The best and the most unexpected part of our visit was Teag's reaction to the train. Instead of being overwhelmed by the loud noise or the sea of people waiting in line, Teag stood up on my lap and started jumping and yelling with excitement! She turned and looked at me with a big smile and shining eyes. In that instant I knew her brother was with us, telling her all of his favorite things about the train and holding her hand to give her all of his courage to explore.
The last few months have strengthened the bonds of friendship and brought our family so much closer. I feel so happy and lucky to share moments with friends who are more family than friends. All of the good moments mean so much to me and are what helps keep me going.
I find myself so frustrated and mad that we still are so far away from any sort of closure, medically speaking. I'm not sure there will ever be closure for me with a loss so great. No results from pathology which is now blamed on  "spring break" only adds fuels to the smouldering fire. I try extremely hard to only remember the happy memories. The happy times fill so much of my thoughts and yet I am far to easily reminded of the horrific last few days.... As I said earlier, I am a bundle of sludgy emotional goo, good, bad, and horrible all thrown in.
My brave man, I am so very sorry. I pray you are safe and happy. As you go please remember how much we love you, know how much we miss you, and keep your flash light handy so mommy can find you again one day.