Easter

     As I have neglected writing, I figure I should update the blog. I believe I have procrastinated writing mostly because I end up crying while I write. I figure I will start with something happy and maybe that will help! On Saturday I was lucky enough to take Teagan to an Easter egg hunt. Initially I was worried she would have to elbow her way in with so many kids around. Miss T put on her fancy dress and pink squeaky shoes and off we went.
     The hunt turned out to be perfect. Teagan and I joined a few friends and together they took on the competition. Ok so "the competition" was 10-12 other kids under 3. Miss Teagan had a great time opening all the eggs and an even better time with her friends Jaejay and Alec. Not only was the egg hunt a success but I followed through on a goal I have set for myself. Absolutely no more waiting around "wishing" I had taken my kids to an activity. Even if we ended up being one in 50 families to hunt for eggs, at least we got out and gave it a whirl. So many times I have defaulted to playing around the neighborhood instead of taking Aidan to an activity all because I was worried about the crowds. I feel like I cheated both him and myself from those experiences.
     Today is Easter. As I shopped for Easter the last few days, I found myself at a loss. I had no idea what to look for. Everything I saw reminded me of my Aidan. I knew I needed to get Teagan few age appropriate toys and beyond that? I knew I wanted to dye Easter eggs this year. When the time came to get everything organized, all I could do was remember how much fun Aidan had last year dunking (splashing and cracking some too). Teagan was perfectly happy with the plastic fun filled eggs this year and I am grateful.
     In years past my little man learned just how wonderful chocolate Easter bunnies are. Last year 2010, Aidan was lucky to have the Easter bunny leave him an entire candy store in his basket! (or so it seemed) When Aidan discovered the chocolate bunny larger than his head he immediately asked to try some. Of course it began with him agreeing to only eat the bunnies ears. Then it was "just the head I promise mommy". Soon it was a battle of wills to see how far down the bunny we could eat, with Aidan wining most of the time. How can you say no to such an innocent beautiful boy?! Obviously he had my number! I vowed last year that should the Easter bunny bring another of these chocolate imposter's it would be rationed over days and not hours. Oh how I wish I got the chance.
     This last week has seen an ocean full of tears. After so many hours of wondering, worrying, and waiting, we received the autopsy results. If you can call them that. After all was said and done we are left with an extremely limited result due to the way the autopsy was preformed. On the advice of an PICU doctor who had never so much as met Aidan we agreed he didn't need a "full autopsy". However the limited version which was preformed was much less than we had intended or agreed upon. Needless to say we all feel it was yet another way we are cheated out of time and answers.
      Ryan, Teagan and I took Aidan an Easter basket today. When we arrived at the cemetery we were absolutely shocked to see they had removed the stake that was placed with Aidan's picture and obituary. The conscious part of my brain tells me this is due to lawn maintenance, but the part of my brain still screaming in pain with my soul only shouts louder "how could they"? The very best piece of me that I have laid to rest is now lying in an unmarked grave. I was taken right back to the hopeless feeling of knowing I can't comfort my son and make sure he's not alone or scared.
     On the drive home I kept asking "why"? As we began to exit the freeway I thought to myself and the universe how sorry I am. and how much I miss Aidan. I thought if there was any way to know Aidan is safe and happy I would take it and allow myself to have that little comfort. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge hawk flying in to catch his pray. The hawk was so close I could see the speckles of color on his legs. All my life when I have needed a sign that things would be ok I am always answered with a hawk circling nearby. If I ever needed this sign it was today. I don't think it could have been any more clear. I know Aid is safe and taken care of. It doesn't lessen the hurt of my loss, but I take a small comfort in knowing he is in a better place.