Easter

     As I have neglected writing, I figure I should update the blog. I believe I have procrastinated writing mostly because I end up crying while I write. I figure I will start with something happy and maybe that will help! On Saturday I was lucky enough to take Teagan to an Easter egg hunt. Initially I was worried she would have to elbow her way in with so many kids around. Miss T put on her fancy dress and pink squeaky shoes and off we went.
     The hunt turned out to be perfect. Teagan and I joined a few friends and together they took on the competition. Ok so "the competition" was 10-12 other kids under 3. Miss Teagan had a great time opening all the eggs and an even better time with her friends Jaejay and Alec. Not only was the egg hunt a success but I followed through on a goal I have set for myself. Absolutely no more waiting around "wishing" I had taken my kids to an activity. Even if we ended up being one in 50 families to hunt for eggs, at least we got out and gave it a whirl. So many times I have defaulted to playing around the neighborhood instead of taking Aidan to an activity all because I was worried about the crowds. I feel like I cheated both him and myself from those experiences.
     Today is Easter. As I shopped for Easter the last few days, I found myself at a loss. I had no idea what to look for. Everything I saw reminded me of my Aidan. I knew I needed to get Teagan few age appropriate toys and beyond that? I knew I wanted to dye Easter eggs this year. When the time came to get everything organized, all I could do was remember how much fun Aidan had last year dunking (splashing and cracking some too). Teagan was perfectly happy with the plastic fun filled eggs this year and I am grateful.
     In years past my little man learned just how wonderful chocolate Easter bunnies are. Last year 2010, Aidan was lucky to have the Easter bunny leave him an entire candy store in his basket! (or so it seemed) When Aidan discovered the chocolate bunny larger than his head he immediately asked to try some. Of course it began with him agreeing to only eat the bunnies ears. Then it was "just the head I promise mommy". Soon it was a battle of wills to see how far down the bunny we could eat, with Aidan wining most of the time. How can you say no to such an innocent beautiful boy?! Obviously he had my number! I vowed last year that should the Easter bunny bring another of these chocolate imposter's it would be rationed over days and not hours. Oh how I wish I got the chance.
     This last week has seen an ocean full of tears. After so many hours of wondering, worrying, and waiting, we received the autopsy results. If you can call them that. After all was said and done we are left with an extremely limited result due to the way the autopsy was preformed. On the advice of an PICU doctor who had never so much as met Aidan we agreed he didn't need a "full autopsy". However the limited version which was preformed was much less than we had intended or agreed upon. Needless to say we all feel it was yet another way we are cheated out of time and answers.
      Ryan, Teagan and I took Aidan an Easter basket today. When we arrived at the cemetery we were absolutely shocked to see they had removed the stake that was placed with Aidan's picture and obituary. The conscious part of my brain tells me this is due to lawn maintenance, but the part of my brain still screaming in pain with my soul only shouts louder "how could they"? The very best piece of me that I have laid to rest is now lying in an unmarked grave. I was taken right back to the hopeless feeling of knowing I can't comfort my son and make sure he's not alone or scared.
     On the drive home I kept asking "why"? As we began to exit the freeway I thought to myself and the universe how sorry I am. and how much I miss Aidan. I thought if there was any way to know Aidan is safe and happy I would take it and allow myself to have that little comfort. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge hawk flying in to catch his pray. The hawk was so close I could see the speckles of color on his legs. All my life when I have needed a sign that things would be ok I am always answered with a hawk circling nearby. If I ever needed this sign it was today. I don't think it could have been any more clear. I know Aid is safe and taken care of. It doesn't lessen the hurt of my loss, but I take a small comfort in knowing he is in a better place.

Music

        All my life I have loved music. I remember driving home from a day out boating and falling asleep on the speaker box in my dad's truck. No matter the circumstance if I have good music to loose myself in it seems the equivalent of a good therapy session. Yesterday as I was attempting productive cleaning and listening to the Ipod I was reminded of all the dance parties Aidan and I had. He loved music as much as I do, although most of the time he wanted a tune to rock out to! I wonder if he knew just how much happiness he inspired with his dancing.
     I have learned music can get me through the roughest days. Looking back in life this has always been the case for me. First heartache really equals a Bon Jovi album...no judgements please I was a teenager! I can remember great times in high school rockin out to AC DC, which lets be honest who doesn't love them? A very scary car accident is replayed for me with the song Strawberry wine that played as the ambulance drove me to the ER.
     As many of you watched a wonderful movie of just a few of Aidan's great memories at his "birthday party" you already know one of the songs that conjures memories of Aid's super sweet moves. Blackeyed Peas "Imma be" or as Aidan called it "Bummble Bee". After Aidan watching the music video at least a million times, I think part of the draw to the song was Fergie walking around in a swim suit, but Aid also loved a good base beat he good grove to.
     When I worked in the SICU I remember a few times patients, mostly younger having their Ipods. I can only imagine some of the horrific pain they endured but I know the music helped to ease their hurt and provide a much needed distraction. Before we left for Chicago Ryan and I found Aid a perfect set of headphones. I know how hard it is to keep a three year old in bed even right out of surgery! We figured if Aid didn't want to watch shows he could at least listen to music. If only we had the opportunity to use our super distraction! The last while for me has been difficult to listen to any sort of sad song or even a love song without completely loosing it. The words seem to resonate in my bones and pull the hurt out of places I never knew I had.
     In my quest for new music I found a new"ish" group. The Band Perry has a song that I couldn't quite get through the first few times. "If I die young" is the name of the song. Now, if I was at all tech savy I would link it up to the blog, but we all know that's not happening! So when you have a second give it a listen, just don't say I didn't warn you because the words hit home for me right now.
     I wish so hard there was some way to make the hurt a little less, for me and for everyone else feeling the loss of such an amazing little life. It is a little over two months now and I still wake up expecting his little foot in my face! There is not a single second in the day I don't miss Aidan or wish he was here with me to push me a little further. Music is a small step in my healing process. I hope I can offer the same crutch to anyone else enduring our pain.    

Lost for words

Tonight I sit here not sure what to write. I am overwhelmed with so many different emotions all jumbled into a huge ball of sludge. My days are so hopelessly quiet (yes there is still a quiet level of beautiful chaos with miss Teag). My nights are so long and uncomfortable with too much bed space. If you know of our sleeping arrangements a.k.a. Ryan and myself on the outer 2 inches of a king size bed while Seven steals the covers and the middle of the bed, you would laugh out loud! Throw Aid in for good measure and there was around 3/4 inch left!
I miss Aidan sneaking downstairs to snuggle with Teag and I in the weeee hours of the morning. I miss Aidan telling me he "didn't want to smell my stinky breath" ( upon daddy's coaching) and then getting mad at me for not snuggling him close enough at bed time. I am so empty inside without my best friend and partner in crime.
I am so absolutely blessed to have Teagan to keep me on my toes. I watch her pick up new skills daily and I am reminded of those special moments I was able to share with her brother.
Teag knows exactly who her brother is. She can pick him out in any picture and always gives him a big kiss. My heart aches that she will never get to race cars down the hallway with Aid, track down the "bad guys" out front, or most importantly use the stool to snag some candy or cupcakes off the counter while mom's downstairs. Although I'm pretty sure she will figure out the last one in no time.
Watching all of our little ones grow up way to fast only reminds me how short time is. It was just yesterday I took Aidan to the Zoo for the first time. His favorite animal was the Giraffes. We went inside to get a closer look and I will never forget Aidan's face when the Giraffe bent down and let Aidan pet his nose and then licked Aidan's hand! Aid was hooked after that. Every trip to the Zoo thereafter included a visit with his "buddy" the Giraffe who had given him a big slobbery kiss. Aidan's second favorite at the Zoo was the train. His eyes would light up as soon as he hear the whistle sound which was followed with "Mom lets go ride the train!" 
This past Friday Teagan was able to make her first "official" trip to the Zoo. I say first because this is the first time she really "saw" the animals. I watched as she was amazed by all of the animals just as her brother was. The best and the most unexpected part of our visit was Teag's reaction to the train. Instead of being overwhelmed by the loud noise or the sea of people waiting in line, Teag stood up on my lap and started jumping and yelling with excitement! She turned and looked at me with a big smile and shining eyes. In that instant I knew her brother was with us, telling her all of his favorite things about the train and holding her hand to give her all of his courage to explore.
The last few months have strengthened the bonds of friendship and brought our family so much closer. I feel so happy and lucky to share moments with friends who are more family than friends. All of the good moments mean so much to me and are what helps keep me going.
I find myself so frustrated and mad that we still are so far away from any sort of closure, medically speaking. I'm not sure there will ever be closure for me with a loss so great. No results from pathology which is now blamed on  "spring break" only adds fuels to the smouldering fire. I try extremely hard to only remember the happy memories. The happy times fill so much of my thoughts and yet I am far to easily reminded of the horrific last few days.... As I said earlier, I am a bundle of sludgy emotional goo, good, bad, and horrible all thrown in.
My brave man, I am so very sorry. I pray you are safe and happy. As you go please remember how much we love you, know how much we miss you, and keep your flash light handy so mommy can find you again one day.